Self Harm etc.

I always thought i stopped self harming when i was 14 and angry because i listened to eminem and self harm was cool then,
I used to scratch my arms with something pointy and think the marks would make me look cool, It's funny how a childs mind works.

Fast forward a few years and the real self harm starts, It didn't start a few weeks ago when i cut my arm with a razor, It started a long long time before that.

My only method of coping for a long time was drugs, I used many drugs to try and escape my real life or gain a different perspective on things.

Ecstasy made me love life, Love people and love myself, I'd stare at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever in sheer awe that that was me, I'd be overly friendly to other people and generally enjoy myself.

Salvia made me become a child again, I don't mean the fun, carefree existence of a child, I mean the dread that you were in trouble for doing something horricially wrong, I'd spend what seemed like forever doing seeminngly impossible tasks like sitting up, Whil everyone watched over me judging me.

Cocaine gave me the confidence to speak to people, I could sit with people i had never met before and have long in depth chats. Something i could never manage before.

Valium made me violent and confrontational, I only ever took it twice, Got into fights both times, Something i've never ever done, Only ever been victim to.

Cannabis, Now that was my main drug, Something i smoked daily for about 8 years. I only stopped about 5 months ago. At first i got giggly, Happy and funny, After years of repeated use i got nothing, No happiness, No fun, Just being bored and miserable wasn't so boring and miserable anymore, Smoking weed was required, When i had none i would become stressed and annoyed, I'd argue, become agitated at the slightest thing and generally be the exact opposite of what i was when i was smoking.

Recently i've been craving some sort of release, I no longer play drums or guitar, I don't have the energy or motivation to do either. I've not designed anything or modelled anything in 3D for months, I can't do either at the moment.
I have all this anger and hate for certain people that i cannot vent, So i take it out on myself, I cut myself for no fucking reason, The second i've finished i realise how stupid i've been, How much it's hurting my partner and how wearing a tshirt is out of the question because of how ashamed i am of not being able to control my emotions better. The truth is, at this moment in time i NEED weed, I can't function alone while i feel this shit, Every single day i think about phoning one of the many contacts i had months ago, Just to get a wee bit, Something to make my mind slow down, Something to help me sleep. I can't do it though, I've worked hard to stop that shit, I seen it for what it was, A mood enhancer, If i felt shit and smoked i felt worse, If i felt good and smoked i felt better.

I think i'll always self harm in some form, I just hope i find some less damaging way to vent.

Suds.