Self Harm etc.

I always thought i stopped self harming when i was 14 and angry because i listened to eminem and self harm was cool then,
I used to scratch my arms with something pointy and think the marks would make me look cool, It's funny how a childs mind works.

Fast forward a few years and the real self harm starts, It didn't start a few weeks ago when i cut my arm with a razor, It started a long long time before that.

My only method of coping for a long time was drugs, I used many drugs to try and escape my real life or gain a different perspective on things.

Ecstasy made me love life, Love people and love myself, I'd stare at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever in sheer awe that that was me, I'd be overly friendly to other people and generally enjoy myself.

Salvia made me become a child again, I don't mean the fun, carefree existence of a child, I mean the dread that you were in trouble for doing something horricially wrong, I'd spend what seemed like forever doing seeminngly impossible tasks like sitting up, Whil everyone watched over me judging me.

Cocaine gave me the confidence to speak to people, I could sit with people i had never met before and have long in depth chats. Something i could never manage before.

Valium made me violent and confrontational, I only ever took it twice, Got into fights both times, Something i've never ever done, Only ever been victim to.

Cannabis, Now that was my main drug, Something i smoked daily for about 8 years. I only stopped about 5 months ago. At first i got giggly, Happy and funny, After years of repeated use i got nothing, No happiness, No fun, Just being bored and miserable wasn't so boring and miserable anymore, Smoking weed was required, When i had none i would become stressed and annoyed, I'd argue, become agitated at the slightest thing and generally be the exact opposite of what i was when i was smoking.

Recently i've been craving some sort of release, I no longer play drums or guitar, I don't have the energy or motivation to do either. I've not designed anything or modelled anything in 3D for months, I can't do either at the moment.
I have all this anger and hate for certain people that i cannot vent, So i take it out on myself, I cut myself for no fucking reason, The second i've finished i realise how stupid i've been, How much it's hurting my partner and how wearing a tshirt is out of the question because of how ashamed i am of not being able to control my emotions better. The truth is, at this moment in time i NEED weed, I can't function alone while i feel this shit, Every single day i think about phoning one of the many contacts i had months ago, Just to get a wee bit, Something to make my mind slow down, Something to help me sleep. I can't do it though, I've worked hard to stop that shit, I seen it for what it was, A mood enhancer, If i felt shit and smoked i felt worse, If i felt good and smoked i felt better.

I think i'll always self harm in some form, I just hope i find some less damaging way to vent.

Suds.

An Introduction

Around 7 months ago i was useless and pointless, Then i found out the girl i had always wanted, The girl i had always dreamed about, the girl i had always loved had always felt the same about me.

So i eventually asked her out.

This is my story from there, Details of my highs and my lows. Every detail shared in complete anonymity. My life. Explained for you.

I am called Suds for the purpose of this blog, Something that may become more aware as time goes on.
My partner, The only important person in my life will be referred to as Clean. This should all make sense in time. Providing you pay attention lol.

Life for me has been both easy and hard, I was an only child, Neglected, At the same time i was an only child flooded with attention. This has inadvertently effect my life as an adult, Something which will also become more apparent as time passes.

My partner is a fellow depressee, Suffering from Personality disorders caused by her neglect during childhood. In many cases our thought patterns are the same, Sometimes they are the exact opposite which can cause some problems, Thankfully we're both strong enough to see what's happening, Which means fights never last more than 20 minutes and mean nothing atall in the grand scheme of things.

Everything shall become more apparent in time though.

DISCLAIMER: I have no issues with my parents or how i was raised. My personality disorders are no reflections on my parents atall, I love my parents dearly and they love me too, I know now that both of my parents would do anything they possibly could for me, Fight to the death for me, Any misunderstandings in my life were just that, Me not communicating properly caused me to to feel misunderstood. I know now as an adult if i'd have spoken to them about half the things i went through i would be a much more mentally healthy person. 

Suds xx